notes [identity]

I woke up, alone.

unfamiliarity of place and mind

it was frightening and invigorating

is this real? what does it mean to be real?

stop it. I say to myself. of course it is.

and today is a new, unfamiliar day.

i sit up slowly, quietly

careful not to wake up my host

Without thinking I reach for my laptop, open it, and begin reading 

about people at home. before. i STOP.

those people are not who I am.

that's why I am here.

my host finds me to offer me breakfast

i accept, allowing generosity to overwhelm. 

small talk is made...

life back at home is alright but i prefer it here. 

I pack a small backpack for the day

wallet, some snacks, an extra sweater. [just in case]

my host gives me some ideas 

i listen carefully

knowing i will still find my own way.

step outside and the sun hits my face 

like a newborn opening eyes for the first time

i am alone in my mind of unfamiliarity 

but i am smothered by my mothers arms

and here she keeps me warm

each corner brings a less familiar scene

but I am not afraid

i wander in awe of what is still to be found  

before i STOP.  [physically this time]

did i misstep?

this is not what i expected. 

i have never felt so lost 

and even so, I have never felt this sense of belonging.

Breathe Still

running when you can hardly breathe standing still
you found yourself in a strange place between you and i
you push and shove until you've felt enough
you're just lying to yourself, what you felt was love

take it or leave it
ill be here
what i told you was the truth
i was sincere
but you can trust a stranger no more than you can trust yourself

you grew tired cause you've desired
someone who cares more than you
you found that in me though you would never believe
that you were lying to yourself, cause you care too

take it or leave it
ill be here
what i told you was the truth
i was sincere
but you can trust a stranger no more than you can trust yourself

I. am. not. at. ease.

I don't care for confusing or complex... I just need someone who loves me back.

And you had been my wishful thinking
First impressions did not meet expectations

Though to everyone else you are perfectly placed
I find you so unapproachable in your ways

You do so much to give so little away
I know it won't happen, you've feared I am here to stay

Though in ignoring me  you make it harder to do the same

You told me to ease my mind
As if my mind will change.

Do you know me at all?
You don't know me at all..
Don't care to know me at all...

Reflections

And when you came I rushed about
Changing clothes just for now
But you can't see im desperately
Waiting for your reflection

While you're here I look to find ways to draw your attention
 Holding your eyes I only dare to stare for brief moments
But you can't see I'm desperate
and waiting for your reflection

And when you went I shut my eyes, try to lay to rest
My mind stayed wild
And did not give way to caution
But you cared less
Hardly impressed
I have nothing here to offer
Except of the memories of all the times we met

And tomorrow I will question
Every single action
Every single word
Think of it absurd
Yet you will sleep well
And wake to find little impression
 
But you can't see I'm desperately waiting for your reflection

Words Collapse

souls in part
you fell at heart
holding your possession
holding all you had

folding time
all those lame rhymes
give away this idea of life
give away to get the other

words collapse under thoughts
heavy fog, why you forgot
none of this means anything
none of this saves me
you've taken what you need
left me here confused

needle points
directions irrelevant
look down paths to follow
look down options in sight
hold on to your feelings
then let them out at night

You Hold Me Down

A friend's love is like an anchor, 

they hold you down. 

They care for you when you can't move forward. 

But sometimes you have to set sail...

that is, until the one day when you must again find a safe harbor. 

That day is when they will be right back at your side, 

to hold you down...making you realize that you never should have left in the first place.

elusive.

i've been here before.
full but wanting more
give up too easily
and it shows up at my door

don't let yourself down
or yourself might not come back around

no one understands
you've convinced yourself of this
but you'd be surprised
from all this pain comes bliss

don't let yourself down
or yourself might not come back around

and happiness is elusive
as is everything else
so quit being static
and search for it yourself

inside out

build up walls and let no one in
if you play that game you'll never win
I'm here, here to listen to anything
tell me your thoughts at least begin

i love you, we all do
what do you see in you?

its about the things that you do well
those beautiful blue eyes and that pretty smile.
you always had me beat
but underneath those pretty teeth...
there's something inside thats worthwhile.

i hope you see it too.
i hope you see it in you.
i hope you see it too.
i always do.
i always do...