Let Go Already

old habits die hard 

moving on is better

one will do it sooner

sooner than the other

alone tonight 

waiting for the other

but how long is the wait

just to have another

maybe its wrong

not meant to be 

but who will come around

i guess soon we'll see

girls in picture frames

holding on to fragile souls

hopeful i am, they fall

catching one

can't catch them all

why do we hold on so tight 

when falling relieves the fear of height.

i guess i'll never understand

until then,this is the end.

Meteor Shower

Bright in my northern sky.
Caught by my northern eye.

Tiny glimpses of light.

Hardly in sight.

They fly by before I can think.

I might miss them if I blink.

So I lie staring up at the sky.

Seeing life through a fish’s eye.

True North.

I want to drop everything and pick up a map
take the road less travelled and never come back
haven't lived too long yet but of this I'm sure
I'm sick from many things and traveling is the cure


well I don't have much money, suppose I don't have much time
but this summer is in full swing and my time is all mine
so I'll pack what I need and jump in the car
though knowing me I won't get too far


sometimes I trick myself into thinking that this life is enough
I have some plans for my future, though the blueprints are rough
I wish I could stop thinking and just follow my heart
but what I want and what i need are simply too far apart


one of these days I'll be on my way and I know I'll look back
as long as I keep pushing forward my past won't attack
So before I go I will need one thing from all of you 
I need you to convince me I'll be alright as long as my way is true.

Thunder Storm

i look up to see a crack in the sky
a glimpse of heaven breaking through
but its gone within the second
a loud rumbling noise following its presence

rain pours down outside
as i stare out through my window
dare to move? i ask
and then i answer back
for it is for such tiny glimpses that i sit here living
it would be a waste to let the day go by without  such a feeling

i run outside and let it engulf my skin
watch the water droplets make their journey down from heaven
maybe its strange that as i stood their soaking
i couldn't help but smile and enjoy that moment
as the water forms a new skin
the short life that weighs on me feels as if it has yet to begin

dreams never die

i want to be 18 forever. i want things in my life to get better.

i don't want to worry about what i look like on the outside.

nor to question how i feel on the inside.

i want to have a friend always there by my side.

i want to have God always there as my guide.

and when i finally say 'i love you' i really want to mean it.

i want to find someone that i can live my dreams with.

i want to live to see the day where liberty and peace actually mean shit.

it's sad to say but as of now i can't foresee it.

i want to help others in the world any way that i can.

i want to see the day our government finally gets a new plan.

i want to bring others to the light, help them understand. 

this world is not just ours alone but everything on, above, and below the land.

i want to write music to inspire

let all the world's people be my choir

i want to look to the sky and see the stars blazing on fire. 

and when i see one shooting across the night sky.

i won't even have to make a wish because my dreams never die...

Summer.

its crazy..
how a beautiful day can make such a difference in your overall attitude on life.
a long bike ride on that beautiful day can awaken your mind.
a good talk with a friend can comfort you.
nature can make you feel so much more alive inside.
all these things together make you believe in Mashiach's presence.

☮&♥

From The End Of A New Beginning To The Next

Summer break.
What am i to do now? 
Before i got back i had all these expectations, all these things i wanted to get done. But since i got home, just yesterday, i already find myself sitting on my ass thinking about how i need to get a job...or some more friends...either one works. 
I have realized that it is not good to set high expectations for something because once you do that anything below what you expected seems miserable. If you set the bar high and don't reach it, there is a void. Setting low expectations makes things seem better than ever...the smallest things are enjoyed much more thoroughly when you are expecting them to completely suck.


I forgot how much more thinking i do when i am home; maybe it is this room, this house, this town. Most likely it is all of the above.
I need to stop that. thinking. i do way too much of it. it keeps me up at night.
At night my thoughts are a random spew of my life flashing before my eyes. 
I think about the past: things i should have done, what i could have done better, what played out perfectly and what moments I would never change; 
the present: how I am going to spend my time day to day, things i need to get done, am I missing out on anything;
the future: am I making the right choices about the future, will i be happy with those choices, who will i meet, who will i be.


Not only is it enough that i have continuous streams of thoughts about my own hopes and worries but I also worry for other people: my family and my friends. I have a problem. Or maybe I have many problems. Kelly, Wendels that is, told me yesterday that i am one of those crazy people who thinks they have a million problems that need to be fixed. Thanks Kelly. That makes me feel better. :)
I do slightly agree with her though, no matter how ridiculous that sounds.


So, summer break is here, but its not really summer at all.  
It was really warm when i was in East Lansing and that made me excited for some nice weather in Traverse City, but when i got here i layered on the clothing and continue to be depressed about it. Another expectation that was not met, however small, it still effects me.
I suppose that there is not much i can do about my thought processes, but i can control what i make of the next 4 months at home. I am going to start doing that. Maybe over the next 4 months I'll write more often on this blog, but i wont set any expectations to. 

i shot the serif.

my fingertips are spies

pressing keys

letting others read what's on my mind.

a status, a wall

what does this all even mean

nothing, i care nothing about whats going on in this person's life

but yet i am stuck meandering these pixels on screens

that microscopically compose letters forming words describing interests and activities

interesting, i find it, that she could sit for hours

staring mindlessly at those same meaningless pixels i find myself staring at now

the same pixels that form the end stroke of a letter which allows us to read these words clearly

they project out stabbing our eyes, blinding us from knowledge

as our fingertips, once more, betray our attempts to avoid procrastination

so i shot the serif, but i swear it was in self-defense.

The Questioner.

I am the questioner. I am the questioner. I am the questioner. I am the questioner. I am the questioner. I am the questioner. I am the questioner.

There are things that are factual, basic common sense type definitions to the relationships in our lives. I can define them, I can prove that they exist, but for some reason we (well at least I) can't control them. maybe I never will...

I can define them:

I. Friendship

There are distinctions of friendship:

Voluntariness. we freely choose who we spend the most time with.

Equality. most friends are considered our social equals.

Assistance. we tend to develop friendships with people who are close to us.

Actively Sharing. we develop friendships with people who share in the same activities as us.

Confidentiality and Emotional Support. at times we need someone who will listen to our problems and successes, someone who will not divulge our secrets and someone who will support us no matter what.

II. Stages of Relationships

how people come together:

Initiating: interacting and deciding whether or not we like or dislike someone, as we ourselves try to portray ourselves as someone likable and friendly.

Experimenting: small talk, joint activity

Intensifying: stating mutual likeness or affection

Integrating: joining lives

how relationships can fall apart...

Differentiating: becoming different in character

Circumscribing: conversation becomes more about quantity than quality

Stagnating: instead of working through problems, we settle.

Avoiding: needing to be away from the other person

Terminating: ending all forms of communication

I can prove that they exist:

We have all had relationships in the past that did not last, and may have more relationships that don't last. It's not a difficult, or obscure thing. We don't even need to look in textbooks to prove their existence.

I can NOT control them.

For someone who questions everything, the only question that I can think to ask about this reality is:

WHY?

I have known someone before, but I lost them. They slipped through my hands like water, or grains of sand, or simply passed by like air. And like air, I can not exist where they are present. As changing as the tides, they are. But I am not one to speak, I wouldn't know... I don't know them. I knew them once, but times change along with the people in them. I myself have changed, but that is a different story for a different time.

I am here to ask unanswerable questions: Is there a probable cause to things such as this? Thomas Aquinas would argue so. Maybe it can be proved logical, it's something like religion. Nothing can exist before itself. Everything has a first mover. In this case I argue that person to be you. You are the one who took the first step. Now there's no turning back...

I am the questioner. I am the questioner. I am the questioner. I am the questioner. I am the questioner. I am the questioner. I am the questioner.

Just Some Story... :)

It was a regular Thursday night. She settled in her bed around 12, watched a bit of TV, and as she grew more tired, decided to turn it off and let her eyelids rest. Just as she was about to doze off, she heard a knock on the front door of her apartment.

Immediately she thought of her roommate, who had been out all night and could possibly be having drunken trouble getting her key to work. Slightly annoyed, she got up out of bed and made her way to the front door. Being cautious she called out her roommates name in question. No response. Once again she called. For a second she worried, until she heard a man's voice respond. "It's Charlie" a voice called out. She stood in question, this was the last person she had expected.

It was her ex-boyfriend of two years who had just recently broken it off and broken her heart. She hesitated to answer, she was now in a new relationship and was suspicious of what Charlie could possibly want from her. Finally, she opened the door and faced him. He stood still, looking cold as the winter night grew older. In his hand was an envelope that he immediately handed her. "Hello?!", she said. "Hi", he responded. She invited him in still questioning his purpose for being there. As he entered the apartment he gave no answer to her questions but urged her to read the long note that now sat in the envelope in her hands. She sat down on the couch and opened the envelope, pulling out a typed, five page letter. Slowly, she opened it up and began to read. The note spoke of what he could not put into spoken words. He missed her, and knew he had made a mistake. He knew she was in a new relationship but begged her to take him back anyway. As she read, a steady stream of tears began, making it more difficult for her to continue on as she wiped them from her face. She was confused as she read the last sentence, "don't make any decisions until you see the video". "Video?", she thought. She looked to him, once again in question (this night was full of question). Right then, he pulled a dvd from his pocket and handed it to her.

She stood, wiping what she knew would not be the last of her tears from her face. She inserted the dvd then positioned herself back on the couch next to him. The dvd was filled with old pictures of them together and even contained a poem he had written for her. Any girl outside this circumstance would have given in right then, but she knew, especially with Charlie, she should take everything with a grain of salt. As she looked on, more tears streamed down her face. "What next?" she wondered. As the last slide appeared on the screen her heart stopped. It was a picture of a ring, a beautiful one at that. She turned to him as he pulled out the exact ring explaining it's purpose. A promise ring. (that cost far too much may I add) He pleaded her to take it, to take him back, to forgive him for his mistakes. He wanted to be a better man, he explained. She was flattered that he had gone to such lengths to win her back but at the same time she knew him... He probably got lonely and then learned of her new boyfriend and got jealous and felt more lonely, then lost. After all, a lot of his friends were getting married or were at least in serious relationships by now and he was feeling the pressure. They spoke for hours, about their past, what he thought could be the possible future and what she undoubtedly knew was their end, before she finally built up the courage to send him home, ring in hand, heart empty and a few hours drive back home ahead of him.

As she turned from the door, finally on her way back to her bed for a now shorter night's sleep than she had originally hoped for, she prided herself in her strength and reassured herself that she had made the right choice. Slipping back under her covers, she easily drifted off to sleep, physically and emotionally drained. She needed some sleep, the weekend fast approached and she had plans with that new boyfriend who she hoped was someone worth a promise.

Olympics

There is something strikingly momentous and breathtakingly unbelievable about the Olympics. It is the only thing that has ever brought this entire world together in peace. How could something like this ever be done? I have no idea. But as I watch the opening ceremony I can't help but get chills. Thank God for the Olympics.

Novelty vs. Predictability

So what's next? I ask myself this question everyday. I wake up to a new day but it always feels the same. I am ready for an entire new book but have yet to move on to a new chapter. Where does this leave me? I feel lost in translation somehow. I have so many aspirations, so many dreams. So many things pull me down to what I have become. When I was younger it used to be so easy...I would wake up every day with a new schedule or a new adventure, it didn't even need to be planned. I want to be novelty. I guess I don't know what the word means anymore. Here I am at a school that I hate, I almost feel as if school is not for me at all. I don't even know who I am anymore, I am just a mold of something that society has made me. So I claim to be an individual. What does it mean to be an "individual" in this day and age?

Is it rude to say that i could use some new friends in my life, people who will take me places. Maybe this new friend I speak of is really myself... I need a new self? Well that just sounds ridiculous. I think what I am really striving for is to be less predictable. Breckenridge, Colorado here I come! Is that crazy enough? Is that distinguishable? Here I have grown up in a town that I couldn't wait to get out of and now that I am gone I find myself counting down the days until I get to go home. Traverse City, you never let me down... I find my old self, the self I really miss, there. Maybe I shouldn't go so far away. But maybe I still need to find that place I set out to find. Maybe there is a different place where I can find myself a new. Until then I'll confide in some good music, a good read, or a good friend.

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"Close my eyes. Open my eyes.
Slow to rise. Morning sighs.
Another day calls my name.
But I'd rather stay sleeping, keep dreaming.
Because it's hard enough falling asleep with all these thoughts in my mind.
Can't stop wishing, living for another time.

Sleep, wake.
Dreams don't come easily.
Because I'm always dreaming, probably.
Shake, awake.
Finding refuge hard to take.
So I lie awake.

Close my mouth. Open my mouth.
What I want to say never seems to come out.
My mind keep racing, the people in need are not worth saving?
Who is left to speak for them?. surely not these pieces of paper, letters written, sighned petitions.

Sleep, wake.
Dreams don't come easily.
Because I'm always dreaming, probably.
Shake, awake.
Finding refuge hard to take.
So I lie awake.

What is there to do when your closest friends don't even have time for you?
When days go by... Hear the children far away cry.
No one is there to save them
But you've got some money and you're saving.
If your own life just does not suffice, you can always make someone elses.
Maybe then you can fall asleep, someone elses soul you keep.
So far away from the busy world, through their life you feel concoled.
Give a lot to gain even more.
How can some not agree with that way of thinking?
They'll never get more since they don't see the joy in giving.

Sleep, wake.
Dreams don't come easily.
Because I'm always dreaming, probably.
Shake, awake.
Finding refuge hard to take.
So I lie awake."

(written 10/2009)

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We take steps toward the future every second but this feels like a giant leap.
So I can't be a kid forever; but who decides that for me?
I'm done saying I'm going to change I'm going to take responsibility.
But even if I wasn't willing, the choice is not up to me.

Every second I get older, but the worlds not spinning any slower.
I know i can't be seventeen forever, but if i could I'd like to stay here a while longer.
I'm not yet ready for this change.
Though I guess everything else stays the same just give that number known as age a new name.

Give me a breath in and when I exhale I'll be the same person, letting go of and gaining some burdens.
So I'll take responsibility, just don't add more years to me.
Telling myself that I'm still very young. And it hits me, i realize, that truly my life has just begun.

Every second I get older, but the worlds not spinning any slower.
I know i can't be seventeen forever, but if i could I'd like to stay here a while longer.
I'm not yet ready for this change.
Though I guess everything else stays the same just give that number known as age a new name.

So I can sign my own papers now. Take the blame for it all.
Maybe it's natural to be scared of this step, probably because there's no turning back.
Going to take what I've learned, show the whole world it's my turn to find the adult that's been growing within me.
Soon I'll find out just what exactly that means.

_________________________(written 10/2009) ________________________________________________